Part One
I sit here in my thoughts.
Drowning in a sea
of desires and longings
of hopes and promises.
A desire to do your bidding
gets overshadowed
by a longing...
A longing for company
for a partner, an equal.
"It is not good
for man to be alone."
Send me someone suitable
so I stop digging in dumpsters
and falling into snares
with every cute girl I see.
Every cute girl
who is willing to dance with me.
Every turn of her hip,
every smile she slips
leads me down a path
away from your loving embrace
and into the arms of death.
She doesn't see it,
and she doesn't know it,
but she does the dance of death.
Part Two
I am consumed by my sin.
Like a flood, wave after wave
pours over me
and I lose myself to it.
I give in and then proceed
to enjoy myself.
And like a breath of fresh air,
I remember who I am.
A child of God.
Set apart and sanctified.
But the waves keep coming,
and I lose myself
and I go deeper into my sin.
Each time I sink
I go deeper
sometimes flowing with the events
sometimes pushing the boundaries
daring myself to go further.
A battle is fought
in my soul.
Over and over I give in
because I don't trust You
to provide and I'm not patient.
Violently I'm thrown to the shore,
and new waves appear
waves of guilt and shame
and stark reminders of how I,
how I chose sin over you.
Part Three
I am haunted,
haunted by her face,
haunted by my actions,
haunted by my failure,
haunted by my guilt,
haunted by my shame.
I gave in to temptation,
and willingly went against You.
In Your mercy and Your grace,
I am forgiven, but do I accept?
No, I want to go back for more.
I want to force your hand,
and see if you really love me.
This horrible wretched person
I envision myself to be.
I act out like a child
and shout, "Will you love me now?"
and secretly hope that You say yes,
all the while hoping to find love in my sin.
But there is no love there.
Only death.
But will it be too late?
And what about the others,
the others who see me
who see me as a leader to be?
Part Four
My thoughts are not on You.
My thoughts think of sinful things
Things that hinder
and do not help.
Desires that have a rightful place.
A place that is NOT above you.
But somehow these desires
get mixed up,
and think they are more important than You.
I sit here and ponder,
what each would be like.
The curve of her hips,
The taste of her neck,
The smell of her hair...
I trip and stumble flat,
and I start all over again.
How do I look at Your face
on days like this?
How do I repent?
When I can't get her out of my head?
When I'm caught on every word she said,
and every turn of her head.
Part Five
So...
What should I say?
What should I do?
Here I am.
Thinking about her...
Instead of You.
The temptation she brings...
Every turn of her hips...
Every smile she slips...
Is like Eden's fruit that drips...
I hear a whisper...
"Don't partake
for her sake
and yours."
And then a shout,
"Who are You
to deny me?"
And I freeze
as it dawns on me
that the shout
that bitter awful shout
came from me.
and I cry a little.
and die a little.
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